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By all reports, he was the very model of a typical, middle-class teenager in the suburbs. And when a girl turned him down for a date, he murdered her.Even those guys who seem nice (but not a Nice Guy for guys to dismiss women’s fears.
Case in point: at my Kotaku column, a woman wrote in about a Nice Guy who wouldn’t leave her alone at a party. ” “He clearly wasn’t a threat, he was just socially awkward.” Of course, when people explained that she might have concerns for her physical safety, we got the On April 25th, Chris Plaskon, a junior at Jonathan Law High-School in Milford Connecticut, asked Meran Sanchez to go to the prom with him. So he grabbed her by the throat, pushed her down a flight of stairs and then stabbed her repeatedly in the face, chest and throat.
In less extreme – but no less threatening or disturbing – examples, women will tell you about the times they’ve been followed, yelled at, grabbed or even on because they didn’t want to talk to somebody. Women are socialized over and over again to be deferential to men; it’s “polite” for women to use indirect language, especially when dealing with men. Over and over again, women are socialized to not trust their instincts and ignore red flags… A friend of mine has given far too much head-space towards trying to understand her personal creeper’s side of things because she’s been taught it’s better to ignore her gut and give him the benefit of the doubt over and over again. because they’re even more afraid of disappointing him. Women are continually pressured to “give the guy a chance” and to understand that “he’s just a little awkward” or that “he’s a nice guy” and she had to be mistaken. An “I’d love to, but I’m busy that day”, for example, is a soft no.
Because she didn’t want to give him her phone number. Because she didn’t want to go home with him, to be touched, fondled, kissed or otherwise just did not want to accede to that individual’s demands of the moment. So is a “Maybe some other time.” So is pretending to misunderstand an offer, ignoring it entirely or even just what’s going on – they just don’t like the answer.
They’re the ones who deserve to be given a chance, not to be punished for the actions of a few bad actors, right?
Except it’s all well and good for those guys to insist that they’re Not That Guy…
After all, we men simply don’t experience the same risks, so we dismiss them.
One of the invisible benefits of being a man is that we don’t have to worry about whether the people we’re interested in are hiding a steroidal rage-monster who comes out when we turn them down.
And yet, mentioning these stories will bring out the apologists, the Not-All-Men, the dismissers and the derailers, and the ones who will continue to complain that women aren’t saying “no” clearly enough. For a lot of guys – especially ones who ignore soft no’s – holding on to those ambiguities gives them the opportunity to try again and again.
In fact, this is the basis of the techniques pick-up artists teach to overcome “last minute resistance” – applying social pressure to coerce a woman into sleeping with the PUA even when she doesn’t want to.
To belittle or make fun of his hobbies is to belittle Your judgement sends the message that he's not good enough the way he is.
Instead, give him free rein to express his quirkiness. You may have different interests, but one way to spend quality time with your nerdy guy is to watch sci-fi movies or TV shows that also appeal to female non-nerds.
We make jokes-but-not-really about frat boys all being date-rape-y Broheims with popped collars and artfully disheveled baseball caps, and the “creepy” loner with the patchy beard and the long, black trench coat who poses a legitimate threat until it’s too late.